Wizard's Chess
by PurpleKangaroo
Summary: Dumbledore thought changing House arrangements around would be great for House relations...was he right? A DMHG...complete with an insane DADA teacher, the strange ‘plothole’ creatures, a matchmaking cousin and...er...a portrait of a squirrel.
1. Feasts and First Years

**Purple Kangaroo!** You're actually reading this! Cookies and a cuddly kitten to you! I feel so loved Anyway, a few notes about this story-  
1) Yes, it starts out like its about Harry or something, but it is a HERMIONE/DRACO romance, and will focus on them once the story gets more started.  
2) No Voldy. Yup, you heard me. The Tom Riddle diary was the last anyone heard of him. As far as this fic is concerned, he's still floating around as transparent head waiting for another victim to latch on to and hide underneath turbans. Yes, Harry fought in the Triwizard Tournament, but he split the glory with Cedric, who lived on to become a very successful novelist in southern Norway (is that an oxymoron)  
3) It's a romance. Yes. Unlikely, I know…but dangit, I _will_ do it…and Draco is not a romance-y person (neither is Hermione, really, but comparatively she is) so I will do my best to keep them behaving IC…just don't kill me if something's a little not…  
4) If I make mistakes, please tell me- **nicely!** I'm fine with criticism, so don't be afraid to give it!  
5) Suggestions are welcome as well (no promises that I will use them, though)

6) Draco's a jerk, my friends. Not a lost prince, not a misunderstood romantic-at-heart. He's just another teenage asshole, and will act accordingly, thanks much! I love him dearly, but he has not been harboring long-hidden feelings for our favorite mudblood witch. Nope. This is a long and rocky process, folks.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its characters/words/etc.

And now...  
Enjoy!

**Wizard's Chess  
**_Prologue: Dumbledore's Choice_

Somewhere in England, on a crimson and gold train, a young man with messy black hair and green eyes gazed quietly out the window of his compartment. Now, despite the fact that this was a very common description and could be any young man, this young man was a very specific young man on a very specific train going to a very specific location. Harry Potter was on the Hogwarts Express- on his way back to Hogwarts, the one place he considered home. It was a peaceful view, and one he much preferred seeing through a train window rather than dangling from a flying car door, thank you very much. The peace was something that reassured the Boy-Who-Lived, yet worried him at the same time, because he always had a vague suspicion it might not last...but for now, it was nice to see something calm.

His thoughts were interrupted by the abrupt sound of a compartment door sliding open, revealing to prefects rocking unsteadily on their feet as the train moved roughly over its tracks. "Harry!"

"We've been looking all over for you!" Harry grinned at the two. One, a towering red-haired-freckled-faced teenager, the other a young woman with bright brown eyes and bushy brown hair the exact length he remembered it framing a familiar face he was glad to see. His best friends- Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger. "Oy! Harry, guess what Hermione 'forgot' to tell us." Ron said with a smirk, sliding into a seat across from his friend and settling himself in comfortably. The room seemed smaller than it had seven years ago…but then, both Ron and Harry had grown quite a good deal since their first awkward meeting at age eleven. Harry looked to Hermione, then Ron, curious. "She's Head Girl!" Ron burst out, impatient with him waiting. He was grinning proudly, and while Hermione was clearly trying to keep her smile modest, it was hard to hide the pride she felt as well. Harry glanced to Hermione, grinning broadly.

"Way to go, 'Mione." He smirked slightly. "Not that there was any reason to doubt it."

"Maybe _that's _why she didn't tell us," Ron said innocently. "Maybe she thought it was so obvious that she needn't bother."

"Ron!" Hermione flushed and sat down as well. "Don't be ridiculous, I _would _have told you, but I only found out myself a little while ago. It seems they were having trouble choosing the Head Boy."

Ron's expression suddenly darkened as he looked sulkily back to Harry. "And guess what bloody git they chose."

"Who?" Harry asked, curious, though Ron's expression gave him a sneaking suspicion who. Hermione made a face, and, to her credit, at least _attempted _to keep her voice calm and polite.

"Draco Malfoy."

* * *

_Seventh Year Sorting Hat_

Though I may look like a silly hat,

I assure you I'm much more than that.

The Sorting Hat is my lovely name,

And sorting students is my game.

So slip me up upon your head

And heed the words that will be said,

I'll put you and place you where you'll belong,

And there's ne'er been a time when I've been wrong.

If your heart is full of bravery,

True and strong, faith in chivalry.

If you're strong of heart, pride in store,

Then Gryffindor's the home you're for.

To Slytherin will go the keen

If a desire to prove themselves I've seen,

Ambitious and cunning, they're here to win,

It takes wily ones for Slytherin.

Perhaps you're wise, and clever too?

Than only Ravenclaw will do!

There dwells a wise, quick-witted group,

If that suits you, than you'll join the troupe.

Hufflepuff will take them all,

If you're kind, than that's the name I'll call

Hard-working, trustworthy and fair,

Only loyal of heart will be placed there.

But though I'll sort, still listen close

To your wise Headmaster's toast

The time has passed for _they_ and _we_,

And time has _come_ for unity.

You may be in a House of some renown,

And think that yours takes the crown,

But remember this and if not you'll see,

The price you pay for such bigotry.

Four Houses there may surely be,

Each one standing individually

But when all has been said and done

This school has a name…and it only has one.

* * *

_Each student in their place, but for how long?_

The Great Hall was silent. The Sorting Hat had said something about the Headmaster's toast, yes, but in the excitement of the sorting, few had actually heeded. Every single student at Hogwarts was in the Great Hall at that time, for the Start of the Year feast. And every single one of them was staring, mouths agape at the old man at the podium, who was grinning merrily at them in the wake of his announcement. (Except of course, the newly-sorted first years, who were simply too bewildered by everything else to understand what was going on) Ron's fork had dropped from his hand, Hermione was pale white, and Harry stared slack-jawed. Similar reactions mirrored the trio's throughout the Hall. No one could believe it, no one_ wanted _to believe it...but he had said it. "_Please _let this be a joke..." Hermione said quietly. Dumbledore looked down at her, eyes twinkling.

"It's true, Miss. Granger. In an effort to promote unity between the Houses, the staff and I have decided that instead of staying in the same room with students of the same House, each student will share a room with a student from a different House. We think it's time for this stuffy old school to try something a little different. Quite fun, don't you think?" The old wizard's grin broadened and he continued. "Each time you and your roommate succeed in doing something effectively together, as a team- without argument or false feelings, mind you, a point will be awarded to each House. If you argue though," He shook his finger. "A point will be deducted from each House."

"Blimey..." muttered Ron.

"Hope I don't get paired with a Slytherin..." Harry said. "We'd lose so many points, we'd go negative." Hermione managed a thin smile.

"I agree, out of Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff or Slytherin, I'd definitely pass on the latter. Imagine being stuck with someone like Pansy Parkinson..." Both boys made a face.

"Yuck!"

"On your plate, there's a popping cracker," Sure enough, as a hundred-odd heads instinctively looked down, there was. "Open it up to see who you will be paired with! Go on now, don't take all day about it…the sooner its decided, the sooner we feast!" Dumbledore continued. With hesitant fingers the students warily picked the crackers up... and opened them up.

* * *

_... And on the other side ..._

"_Please _let this be a joke..." Hermione said quietly, but everyone in the hall could hear her- _that's _how quiet everything was.

Everyone including Draco Malfoy, not that he was paying any particular attention to said Mudblood- he was too busy staring at the crazy old coot talking to them. Draco's goblet remained poised in his hand, he'd forgotten about it (though he instinctively managed not to spill anything out of it. A Malfoy _never _spilt a drink)

"It's true, Miss. Granger. In an effort to promote unity between the Houses, the staff and I have decided that instead of staying in the same room with students of the same House, each student will have a room with a student from a different House..."

Pansy was next to him, and she wrinkled her nose. "Oh how _awful!_" She whined, her high-pitched voice still only a whisper in shock. "Imagine being stuck with someone like... like ..._Granger_." She shuddered in disgust, tossing her pretty blonde hair over her shoulder in a whimpering pout.

Draco decided to ignore her as well, and as much as he wanted to ignore the crazy Headmaster, even a muggle-loving old man's ramblings were more pleasant on a Malfoy's delicate ears than the dying-cat whisper-screech of Parkinson. Ah, the old man was talking again. "Each time you and your roommate succeed in doing something effectively together, as a team, without arguing or false feelings, mind you, a point will be awarded to each House. If you argue though," He shook his finger. "A point will be deducted-"

Malfoy's lower lip curled up in a sneer, who knew, that could be useful. If he got stuck with a rotten little Gryffindor, it would be easy to fuel their tempers. He could make their points go negative with some careful plotting!

"-from each House."

...Drat

* * *

A/N: There you go, end of the prologue. has...wow...certainly changed since my last foray into its pages. Questions/Comments/Concerns are all appreciated ) Now, this chapter is choppy, but the next will not. This was purely for setting up plot purposes. Righty-o, I'm done, then.


	2. Squirrels, Screeches and Speakerphones

**Purple Kangaroo:** Hooray! The first chapter has at last begun! Tis still a Draco/Hermione, (their first encounter of the new year!) just so you all know. And, of course, I must say a big BIG _Thank You! _To my very first reviewers. you guys are angels. Sorry this one took so long, it fought tooth and claw, but I think it will go smoother from here on out.

Only one note about this chapter. I have no idea what color hair Pansy has. We're pretending its blonde, although all pictures I've seen have been brown. Yay for hair dye!

EEK! Last time I forgot the disclaimer! Please don't sue me! I'm only a kid! And I'm broke.

**_DISCLAIMER!_**: I don't own Harry Potter. . . sniff. . .

**Wizards Chess**

Chapter 1

**Speakerphones, Squirrels and Screeching**

_"Open it up to see who you will be paired with!"_

With this, a satisfied Dumbledore stepped down from the podium. For a few long, silent moments, no one said anything, no one even realized the food had yet to arrive, no one moved. Finally, a brave Gryffindor sitting a few seats down from the 'Golden Trio' reached onto their plate and with a pop, opened their cracker.

"Terry Boot- Ravenclaw." He read clearly. Assured that it was no hoax, a few more students reached down, opened theirs, and read them to their friends….then a few more. Soon, the entire hall was chattering and chittering, cheers and groans around. Somewhere in the Slytherin table, an interminable screeching wail started as Pansy Parkinson discovered her dormmate was not only a younger year…but none other than Miss. Luna Lovegood.

_"AYEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"_

_"Parkinson, shut it!"_

_"-AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"_

_"Oh for the love of…"_

Ignoring the blonde-haired banshee and protestors from the Slytherin table, Harry, Hermione and Ron looked hesitantly at their plates, all three a little unsure, for the first time in their seven years, about trusting Albus Dumbledore. It was Harry who first took a deep breath and closed his eyes, popping open the cracker. A piece of paper, delicate as a feather, floated down to rest in his hands.

He opened his eyes.

**Justin Finch-Fletchley- Hufflepuff** The page read clearly.

Harry sighed weakly in relief, tensed muscles relaxing and a watery grin on his face- as though the effort of opening the paper had exhausted him. Relief did that to you. "Not a Slytherin." He grinned in relief and continued to scan the paper, getting the information on the location of his room and the password to enter it. "Second hall, third floor fourth portrait on the left, The Coward." He offered, showing his mates the slip of paper.

"That ain't so bad, Harry! He's bound to have gotten over that second year snake-gambit, eh?" Ron said, excited. Feeling a little sure of himself after Harry's 'success,' Ron reached down without hesitation and ripped open the cracker with renewed enthusiasm.

It is truly a pity the lesson 'don't count your chickens before they hatch' hadn't quite reached our redheaded Weasley.

"Well?" came the simultaneous query from his friends. Ron looked at them, clutching the little piece of paper that had fluttered in such a deceptively delicate manner into his now-shaking hands. His face ashen white, Ron groaned, grunting the name in a despairing tone.

"…Goyle."

After a few moments of comforting Ron (who refused to be comforted, but at least attempted to be optimistic), he and Harry turned to Hermione expectantly. She took a deep breath and glanced down to her plate, extending hand to pick up her cracker, intent on picking it up and opening it as quick as possible...

The was really only one problem with her plan.

No cracker.

Hermione blinked, sitting in a confused silence. She withdrew her hand and looked back at her plate, a small frown appearing on her face as she thought. Her friends said nothing as they watched her, equally puzzled by the distinct lack of cracker on her plate- it was very unlike the Hogwarts staff to **miss **someone.

"Well, maybe they want the prefects to stay with the first and second years?" She asked at last. This sounded reasonable to Harry until Ron spoke up.

"Then why am I with Goyle?" He paused, immediately lightening up. "Maybe it's a mistake! Maybe I'm supposed to stay with them too!"

"I don't think so," Harry said gently. Hermione bit her lip and shook her head.

"It must be something else..." There was silence for another minute.

"...Maybe you get a room to yourself?" Harry asked tentatively. Ron perked up.

"Wanna trade?"

"Ron!" Hermione scolded. He returned to his depressed sulking.

"Well, you're Head Girl," Harry continued. "So maybe you get something else...but if so, why didn't they mention it on the Hogwarts Express?"

Hermione considered this. "Huh...well, maybe its because of all the confusion with who the Head boy was. Perhaps they just didn't get around to it..." She relaxed a little, this sounded logical- and if it was a little flawed, well, it was something. Someone would come and tell her when they remembered. For, as they had earlier decided…the Hogwarts staff rarely missed anyone…

Meanwhile; at the Slytherin table...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" ...Suffice to say that the sheer volume of Pansy's screech didn't allow much time for a certain Draco Malfoy to wonder why there was no cracker on his plate. The food finally arrived, and people dug in, chattering as normal even if the subject wasn't just 'Who teaches Defense against the Dark Arts this year?' and 'Oh no, I hope we don't have Potions with you-know-who again!' Sir Nick and the others joined the Feast about half-way through and conversed with the students who, now that the food had arrived and the speeches were over, were back to their normal and very loud selves. Pansy never ceased screeching through the entire meal, and most of the students spoke even louder to hear themselves over the grating noise, escalating the volume even higher. Parkinson females, you see, were expert screamers. They had lessons starting from when they were very small on how to project as much volume at as high and irritating a pitch as possible. It was for yelling at their husbands later in life. Pansy had been a quick learner- and this was good practice. It was so goof, in fact, that she decided to see if she could screech until everyone was out of the hall. If that irritated the teachers, well, it was their fault for pairing her up with a loon.

At the Gryffindor table, meanwhile, Harry, Hermione and Ron ate quickly, catching up on old times until the meal was over and it was time for the prefects to lead the younger students up to the dorms. They, luckily for them, were not going to be stuck in Dumbledore's new 'program'.

"First and Second years, over here, follow this way!" Hermione called, Ron behind her.

"Yeah! All you midgets! C'mere!"

_"Ron!"_

"…sorry." Ron said sheepishly, but the grin on his face suggested he really wasn't.

Draco had a different approach to gathering the younger years, a very simple one.

He stood up and walked out.

"Do you think that's a good idea, Draco? I mean, some of the first and second years might not be paying attention, and it's the prefect's job to-." Blaise Zabini murmured calmly to Draco. The blonde-haired boy glared.

"If I called, they wouldn't hear it over that bloody racket." He jabbed his finger in the direction of the still-screaming Pansy (she was quite sure by now that she had definitely beaten her snooty cousin's best scream). "So if they don't follow- too bad." He hissed. Luckily, most of the Slytherin students had been watching the door frantically, in hopes that someone would leave and they could follow…getting away from the horrid racket a certain female Slytherin was making. Pansy, it after all, had a remarkable lung capacity when it came to screeching in dismay.

Needless to say, the Slytherins quickly left.

Up the steps and around the corners went the young Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Slytherins and Ravenclaws, each to their respective portraits. There was a good deal of moaning and groaning- along with a good deal of bickering- as the older wizards split off to their 'pairs'.

"I didn't know Hogwarts had so many rooms!" Lavender Brown whispered to Parvati, who was sniffling quietly (she had the misfortune to be paired with Millicent Bulstrode).

Hermione glanced over her shoulder at the pair. "They mention it in _Hogwarts, A History_." She said brightly. "You know how the staircases move all the time? The walls can as well, to create new rooms."

Lavender shuddered at this information. "I hope they don't decide to un-create a room while I'm in it!" She mumbled. With that, she turned down another corridor to her portrait, gently patting the weeping Parvati on the back before heading off to the room she was sharing with Hannah Abbott.

It didn't take long for the small, soon-to-be-sorcerers to be herded into the common room, and with that done, Hermione set to the task of finding out where _her _room was. This, of course, had to be done AFTER she shoved Ron forcibly off towards his room with Harry to comfort him for the time.

A delicate frown was placed on her face as she started down hallways to find a teacher. After all, in the mind of Miss. Hermione Granger…the professors knew everything. Except Professor Trewlaney…but Hermione rarely counted her. But if she could find a _reliable_ teacher, they would be able to sort this confusion out. So she continued looking.

She needn't have bothered.

_"GRAAAAAAANGER!"_

Hermione yelped and whirled around, startled to hear her surname roared out- it wasn't exactly a common occurrence. Before she really understood what was going on, she found herself face to face with one _very_ annoyed Slytherin.

"What is it, Malfoy?" She said irritably, to cover her surprise. She was angry with him for yelling at her like that, and even angrier he'd succeeded in making her jump. "I haven't done anything to you yet this year, I don't know where Ron is at this point, and Harry is in his room- so he couldn't have possibly done anything either. So_ why_ are you screeching at _me_?" The annoyed Gryffindor snapped.

"Because." Draco hissed. "Of this." He shoved a piece of paper at her and scowled.

"And what is _'this'_?" Hermione asked dryly.

"It's a piece of paper, Granger. I would expect even you to know what."

"I'm aware it's a piece of paper. What is it for, Malfoy." Came her reply, more of a statement than a question.

"You can't read, either, Granger? You've sunk to new lows. I'd be ashamed for you, if I actually cared."

"I'm perfectly capable of reading, Draco. Just not when some git's hand is covering the writing."

Unamused and irritated (Malfoy's were never at fault. Well, actually, the usually were, but they weren't supposed to get _caught_) Malfoy moved his fingers and dropped the paper into the Head Girl's hands as though it were going to bite him. Glowering calmly, he took a step back and leaned against the hallway wall as he waited for her to read it. When she had, he spared a moment from his self-centered irritation to grin wickedly at her equal discomfort- it was entertaining to see Granger look so shocked.

"They can't—we can't, I mean, we're, oh Merlin's beard-" Hermione swallowed as she read the paper that said very clearly;

**Draco** **Malfoy (Slytherin) and Hermione Granger (Gryffindor)**

**West** **Tower, Top Floor, Fourth Portrait** **(Carikus the Animagus)**

**Password: Walnut**

Scrawled underneath was a note in Professor McGonagall's handwriting.

_As the two of you are our Head students, we expect a decent example from the both of you. We believe you are mature enough to handle the situation in a reasonable manner. Enjoy your school year, I look forward to seeing you both in class. And that means_ on time_, Mr. Malfoy._

Malfoy was starting to unnerve Hermione, to be honest. It was one thing to have him throw a tantrum when she had Harry and Ron to blow up back at him. It was quite another to have him glaring at her, and solely at her, like some sort of snake about to bite. And when had he gotten so tall? Hermione didn't like it, it made her have to tilt her head to look up at him, and she hated looking up to anyone. Her jaw set and she frowned. Well, this was unpleasant, but she was strong, she was mature, and she'd be damned if she'd let a pale-skinned little ferret ruin her last year at Hogwarts. She took a deep breath and calmed herself. She was going to be logical and reasonable, and hopefully Malfoy would be too.

Well, that asking for a lot.

"Well, I guess we could talk to Dumbledore, and explain to him that it really isn't a good idea to have-" Draco interrupted.

"Tried it. He said something about inter-house unity, love peace and happiness and all that jazz." He pushed himself off the wall and started to stalk off towards the West Tower. Hermione had to take large steps to keep up with him. "Bloody hippy." He added.

"Malfoy, Dumbledore is not a hippy." Hermione said exasperatedly, though after a minute, smirked. "Draco, how do you know what a hippy is?"

Draco suddenly coughed and turned an interesting hue of pink. If there was one thing he was not going to discuss with a mudblood, it was how his parents had gone into a hippy phase after their graduations from Hogwarts. Thank goodness the plant smoke had worn off after a few years, nearly being named 'Singing Mushroom Malfoy' had been too close of a call for Draco. "None of your business, so bugger off."

"Not until we come up with a solution to this…" Hermione grimaced. "…situation."

"No bed of daisies for me either, Granger."

"Of course not. Daisies would clash with your skin tone."

"Damn straight they would."

"Well, let's just…go to the room. Maybe there's a barrier or some kind." Hermione said, running a hand through her hair and shaking her head. It was certainly possible. There was no way the teachers could get away with co-ed rooms. No way. No how. By this point, the pair had reached the designated spot, but instead of a glamorous portrait, there was a large painting of some furry woodland creature squeaking angrily at them and hurling acorns. Luckily for Draco and Hermione, they didn't get pass the canvas.

Malfoy had just about had it. He'd had his eardrums assaulted by screeches, had his complexion insulted, been paired with a mudblood and now there was a portrait of what looked like a mutated rodent staring at him, yakking in some language he'd never heard of. "What. Is that?"

"That's a squirrel, Malfoy."

"I'm aware of that Granger. I was questioning what it is doing where the entrance to my room is."

Hermione let the 'my' go by, she didn't want to admit it was 'their' room, either. "I believe it's Carikus the Animagus." She winced as it hurled more acorns. "I can see why its been tucked up here in the tower. Apparently he was a squirrel."

"_Brilliant_ deduction, Sherlock."

Hermione bristled. "At least I don't ask stupid questions, _my dear Watson_."

"Ha! I knew you loved me! Poor deluded little mudblood."

"Knew that I _what?_!"

"You called me 'my dear.' "

"It was a literary reference!"

"Oh how sweet, you're blushing. Of course, I wouldn't touch you with a six foot pole, but it is just proof of my irresistible charm."

"Charm! What _charm?_! Oh I'll show you a charm…" Hermione reached for her wand only to be interrupted by a high, squeaky voice.

**Five points deducted from Gryffindor. Five points deducted from Slytherin**

With a groan, Hermione looked around for the source of the voice. This was absurd. She was the level-headed one, she was the calm one. She was the sensible, practical one; how on earth could she have let herself get baited by that blonde haired idiot? No. She was going to be mature. She took a deep breath and said waspishly. "Look, I think-" Malfoy interrupted her.

"Where did that come from?"

"Where did what come from?"

"That_ voice_."

"Up there," Hermione pointed to the top of the portrait, a little wizarding speakerphone was attached, squatting like some sort of metallic pigeon, its yawning mouth screened like an announcement box.

"Who's bird-brained idea was that?" Malfoy grumbled.

"Were you attempting to make a pun, Malfoy?" Hermione asked mildly, earning a glare from her companion. She was attempting to be civil, but the comment had slipped out nonetheless. Besides, she was curious- who knew Malfoy actually had a sense of humor?

"I did not _attempt_, I _succeeded_. Malfoy's always succeed. It's in the rules."

Hermione raised an eyebrow, curious despite herself. "What rules?"

"_The Essential Rules Regarding Involving the Finer Interests Concerning and Regarding Any Wealthy Family's Important Son and Heir_."

Hermione stared at him for a minute and then snorted, dissolving into laughter. Malfoy frowned. "May I inquire, Granger, just what is so entertaining?"

"Terrific Crawfish."

"I beg your pardon?" Malfoy asked icily.

"Terrific Crawfish. _The Essential Rules Regarding Involving the Finer Interests Concerning and Regarding Any Wealthy Family's Important Son and Heir-_ it winds up being TERRITFICARAWFISAH. Take out a few ands, and you have Terrific Crawfish."

"I will thank you not to mock them." Malfoy growled. "They've been guiding the Malfoy family for generations." Hermione ducked her head to hide a smile. Malfoy scowled and added angrily. "At least I don't have to take a class to understand myself. Figures a mudblood like yourself has to take Muggle Studies. Lived so long like one of 'em you don't even understand them! Nothing but a lab rat, Granger, for us to watch and study. How can you even think to understand the complexities and difficulties of a pureblooded wizard family when you-"

"Oh shut up you-"

"-don't even fit in in your own wolrd. Just do us a favor and-"

"-arrogant filthy, miserable, little-"

**Five points deducted from Gryffindor. Five points deducted from Slytherin**

Hermione whirled to face the pigeon speakerphone as it squawked. "Great." She hissed through her teeth. "Look what you've done."

"Malfoy's, my dear, are never at fault." Draco responded coolly and stiffly, one hand reaching up to fix his hair as he pointedly ignored her. Hermione grinned suddenly and slyly, causing Malfoy to look at her uneasily. That wasn't right- she wasn't supposed to _smile_. What was that little witch thinking?

"Ha!" Hermione said triumphantly.

"Ha _what_?"

"Ha, you-said-my-dear."

Malfoy made a noise that, from anyone except for a Malfoy, would have been a snort. As it was, the Terrific Crawfish prohibited snorting, so Malfoy simply made a rough, noisy sound made by breathing forcefully through his nostrils. "I most certainly did not."

"You did, and according to your logic, you're saying you love me."

"Ah-ha! So you do want me to be in love with you!" Malfoys were masters of manipulation, of course.

Hermione snorted this time (she was not a pureblood, and thus could snort. Although she was lady, and so it was a much more delicate sound than Malfoy's, although a snort in any form is, by definition, not really all that delicate. It is, however, much more sensible than breathing noisily and forcefully through one's nostrils, but it was a well known fact Hermione was a sensible person and thus really did not matter).

"I do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

**Five points deducted from Gryffindor. Five points deducted from Slytherin**

"Do not!"

**Five points deducted from Gryffindor. Five points deducted from Slytherin**

"Do too!"

**Five points deducted from Gryffindor. Five points deducted from Slytherin**

"Do not!"

**Five points deducted from Gryffindor. Five points deducted from Slytherin**

"Do too!"

**Five points deducted from Gryffindor. Five points deducted from Slytherin**

Simultaneously, two hands reached into robes and pulled out wands. One Head Girl and one Head boy each aimed their wands at the pigeon, fury temporarily diverted at the irritating device.

"_Missilis sagitto_!" Hermione shouted, sending a stream of arrows out of her wand towards the bird. At the same time, Malfoy shouted "_Incendio_!" sending a stream of fire towards the speakerphone. For a moment, it was silent, a smoking, dented metal bird smoldering on top of one angrily chittering portrait of a squirrel. Hermione and Malfoy's eyes remained on the blackened piece of metal. Just as they begin to relax, the voice squawked out again, albeit, a tad strainedly.

**Five points added to Gryffindor. Five points added to Slytherin**

"Bloody little-"

"Malfoy, watch your tongue!"

"Oh, like you didn't want to blast it-"

**Ah-hem.** **I just gave you two points. You want me to take 'em back already?**

Malfoy stared.

Hermione stared.

Carikus the Animagus would have stared were it not for the fact the thing they were staring at was sitting on his frame, and he was easily distracted and had found a lovely acorn to munch on.

Hermione was the first to stop. She swallowed and turned to Malfoy. "Erm, right then. Shall we go in?"

Malfoy nodded, still looking suspiciously at the speakerphone. "Right. Mudbloods first."

Hermione ignored the slur and took a deep breath. "_Walnut._" She whispered, and with the same sinking feeling one gets when they're about to step off a cliff, she entered.

It was going to be a long year.

A/N: _Well, there you have it! One chapter down. Next to the first classes of the year! Thank you all for your patience, and remember, there's nothing like reviews to motivate an authoress to write more! Much love to you all,_

_-PurpleKangaroo_


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